Well, the third day climbing was much better than the first, and fairly better than the second. Last night was the time of realisation; why I was feeling the way I was. Reality stepped in. It was a hard, beautiful slam and it's not over yet. I climbed hard despite anxiety and altitude. The climbs were amazing. I was trying to be attentive, quiet and learn as much as possible on the last day. I decided to do the first climb of the day after we set the chain anchors and dropped the rope down the ice underneath the suspended bridge. Timing was off as Caroline was cleaning a chandeliered cauliflower route next to me and yelling "ICE!" I traversed to the left about six feet and went up a safer, more degenerated route to the top. I made it, aware and rhythmic. I was still slow up but with great care and attention present to my limbs, balance and core position. I was attempting to put the most pressure on my feet as opposed to gripping the tools and hanging on numb hands. My tools did not get stuck as often because of the frailty of the ice. My efforts were rewarded with topping out, photos and positive feedback. I had lunch and luckily was able to get on the rope to the right (clean ice!). 85 feet high WI4(+?), nearly vertical the entire way up. It was solid ice most the way up with hooks the last few moves; it would have been impossible otherwise... or at least taken longer. Caroline and Sarah bribed me to the top with the promise that Will Gadd would sign my Ice and Mixed Climbing book. So Will, if you're reading this, um, I'm waiting!!... : ) I had no strength left to swing, kick or pull. I conquered my fear of falling, which was at that moment the most likely scenario, overcame fatigue and got really angry. I defied the odds, I made it to the top. The encouragement from below was what did it, without those girls below yelling encouragements up at me, I never would have made it up. (Okay Caroline, I now see why soloing may not be as much fun!!)
I learned a valuable lesson then, fatigue had beaten me; my mind had already given up on getting to the top. THE MIND MAKES THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SUCCESS AND FAILURE. The split second my mind reoriented itself toward the practical and positive, strength surged, rhythm led me up. Rhythm when climbing ice puts me in the zone where enjoyment surpasses discomfort and struggle. Climbing = zen. Total awareness presents itself, concentration, memory, clarity and peace. Reality hit me hard upside the head moments after the climb. An inexplicable lucidity is with me in all interaction with the outside world. My avoidance of reality and creation of fantasy had been revealed in my push past limits. Others' opinions matter not, freedom in a sense. Reality: in order to live, I must do when I think to, or do without thinking. No more stagnation. If I have ideas, accomplish them, find a way. DO IT. FIND A WAY. NO ONE WILL FIND IT FOR YOU. DO. BE. GROW. FAST. LIFE IS SHORT!! The illusions of the mind have led me and been shown to me, and now they have lost control. I no longer see faces but feelings, attempts, souls. Beauty and superficiality. Beauty is reality, reality is beautiful. Always be positive, think positive, focus on it. Everything else will only bring you down. And that is unacceptable.
Action is all that matters. Not emotion, perception, nor illusions of fear. Fear's only purpose is to inhibit action for better or for worse... The master acts, only the fool reacts. Throw out of yourself all expectation, perception, assumption and opinion for these are illusions and with them, reality will be forcibly hidden. Only when you are empty, you are able to receive what is real.
"Only the supremely wise and the ignorant do not waver." - Socrates Omega
"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.” - Henry Ford... so true.
