Guilt I carry surfaces in triggering situations. Though it is not of reason nor recent, it demands attention as a lonely baby for its mother. Illusion and present associations covered it up until I caught up to my subconscious, my inner guide, my potential... Guilt of long ago is most difficult emotionally, so long buried. Though now, after facing the demon, I realise anxiety's source, and its purpose. I have no choice. Is this my moment to ask for purification? I wash my hands of it... Freedom.
I write because words fail me in the midst of transmitting electrical signals and thoughts. My own flow freely on paper, no obstructions, just my honest, deepest self is given to the world through ink and availablity. Space makes it possible. The yin & yang of pen and paper; the beauty of a blank page, empty before you and full of life after. I do not fully understand and internalise the structure or universal significance but one day I hope to. I am different, eloquent and funny in an alternate medium than most. Words to me are a hindrance of communication when verbal. When I can never share what my heart and mind desire, words' potential are far from being realised. I have learned much throughout this adventure. Guilt and anxiety washed away by grace. They no longer hold power. Fear and insecurity still persist yet no longer control. I must trust, let go. Choices are made every moment of the day. Will you act or react?? CHOOSE!! You will know how... Trust, Love and be Happy. (all of this from three days of climbing??) My mental state worsened before I broke through. I go back in time when I change myself and grow. Return to the source. It gets worse before it gets better. Angst and turmoil abound. For a time I am small and the tasks at hand are monstrous. I always prevail, the eternal, growing, very personal I. Words hinder now. Do I have another choice? I have been left to die by my people before, I have been held down. I care enough now to strive, suffer, break free and grow. Fear no longer provides a foothold of control. Knowledge and trust counteract. Is trust the key? It is on the ice... Trust your feet and your ability to complete the sequence, the move, the climb, the day. Don't think, just do. AND DO YOUR BEST!
And, by the way, I made it home the next night after a gnarly car ride with Robert and his kids to the airport... thank you thank you thank you to everyone I met, you have enriched my life and inspired me for the days to come; fabulous or terrible, it matters not, all that matters is the experience, and this has been a great one!
